Although I have always considered myself a “happy” individual, for most of my life a part of me felt constricted. This uneasy feeling wasn’t something I fully understood or could articulate, but I knew that I wanted nothing more than to feel fully liberated. I can remember this feeling as early as elementary school, moving to the United States at 7 years old and being told I can’t just get up if I have to go to the toilet. Being told I had to raise my hand first and be granted permission. I felt constricted. At age 11 when starting middle school I hung out with an “exclusive” group for a couple of weeks. This group only hung out together (as many groups do) and I felt both constricted and uncomfortable. I did not want to allocate such a large portion of my identity to this group and take on all of their norms/customs. At age 19 I was lured into joining a sorority by the idea of finding more community (aka unconditional love). Yet again I felt constricted. Feeling already suffocated enough by the norms of culture and society, taking on an additional layer made me uneasy. I disaffiliated from the sorority. During college I had my first internship in a corporate environment and I struggled. Again another layer of norms and culture to take on and learn how to navigate… at this point I was incredibly disappointed to learn that this was the “life” I had spent my adolescence preparing for. To cope with this realization I developed a superiority complex, thinking that I was above this game I thought I had to play in order to make a living. I tried not to identify with my internship but saw it as a means to make some extra money that summer.
I craved more life causing me to consistently seek new, different, and intense experiences. I was under the impression that intense experiences would make me feel free. I love dancing, feeling the music with all of my body and soul. I love bungee jumping and sky diving. I love climbing tall buildings under construction at night. I love pretty much any experience where I can feel things 100+++%. I now believe that my craving for more life fed my binge drinking in college. I craved to be completely liberated. Liberated from all of my conditioning by culture, groups, family etc. As a side…the catch 22 is that all of my conditioning was absolutely necessary for me to successfully integrate into society and be able to navigate group and organizational settings. If I hadn’t been able to do this, I would have likely formed an unhealthy ego/identity and could have very well suffered from mental illnesses.
11 Comments. Leave new
What a beautiful post! Love you and miss you
Loved reading this, thanks for sharing!
Thank you for sharing Jenna. Great to hear from you again.
Dearest Jenna,
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE!
Have no expectations of yourself. Simply BE. Be in the present moment.
http://newapothecaryscabinet.com/
Listen to … Sarah; Read the latest Cabinet Blog.
Sending you a massive HUG to encourage you positively on your journey of life.
Much love,
Eleonora
xxx
Jenna – Thanks for sharing. I think we can all identify with different themes (or all of them) of your post and it’s refreshing to hear your brutal honesty. It’s really cool to see your joirney unfolding and the benefits of reflection.
Thanks Brad! 🙂
Hello Jenna – I just subscribed to your blog and promise to check it out more frequently. You have shared some incredible experiences here, both physical and emotional, and we all can learn from it! All the best for “tomorrow”!
Thank you so much for checking it out 🙂
[…] my last post I wrote about the importance of creating space for the self. The power in establishing small daily and weekly self care routines. The power in doing not only […]
Amazing journey Jenna! Peace and love.
<3