It hit me the first day in Ubud (my first stop in Bali, Indonesia) somewhere between downward dog and cobra pose, quitting my job and putting on a backpack was not going to give me freedom. Peace is created from within and quieting my mind will be a difficult task.
To be honest, I was a little disheartened to have this realization sink in. I am an “achiever” and enjoy the feeling of accomplishing things. The last year and half has been focused on cashing in that one way ticket to Indonesia. I felt proud on my last day at work and when I landed in Bali. I had really done it! I felt like I had accomplished so much and concentrated my efforts in making my dream become a reality. But the truth is, nothing is ever really done…getting here was just the first step.
I left 10 days ago and already so much “stuff” has come up for me. Its crazy what happens when you remove life’s distractions, do a ridiculous amount of yoga, sit under a Banyan tree (see image left), go see a spiritual healer, and travel with three other women focused on self growth. I am starting to comprehend that the journey of the self never really ends. We will never be perfect or finished. Although logically I know this, it is a hard concept for me to feel and know on a deeper level. If you think about it in Western culture we certainly don’t live our lives that way. Everything we do has a goal or end game, e.g. working to…get promoted, make $x, buy a house, get engaged, get married. We set arbitrary goals for ourselves to feel purposeful and to create a reality of starts and ends. Now more than ever, because I am not working, engaging in a daily routine, and have completely removed myself from my “normal” environment, I feel closer to comprehending this reality of things never being finished. In being in this space, I am realizing that I have some anxiety around who I might become, some fear of abandonment and being alone, and have placed pressure on myself for what this blog will be. Acknowledging these feelings and uncertainty makes me feel freer and allows me to let it go of these thoughts. I will do my best to observe my thoughts without judgement. I will try my best to embrace the internal struggle because I know although counter-intuitive, it will give me peace.
I will leave you with something I have observed here in Bali that has moved me. Most folks here in Bali are Hindu (although Indonesia is primarily Muslim) and as part of their Hindu traditions they put out daily offerings to both the gods and demons. At first I didn’t know what the offerings were for and assumed they were for their gods. When I asked a local to tell me about them, I was surprised to hear that there was a daily offering made to the “evil spirits.” I asked him why? He told me that is was important to acknowledge the evil spirits and to honor both the good and the bad – this is the only way to have a balanced life. I am sure I am butchering the larger meaning (I do not pretend to be an expert in Balinese culture and invite those who know more to comment), but from this exchange I took away a beautiful message. We cannot run away from the bad or the uncomfortable. We cannot pretend like its not there. We must embrace the struggle as it is necessary to enjoy and partake in the good. I will try and take this mantra with me as I face this uncertain journey and work to overcome the difficult thoughts ahead.
Namaste 🙂
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I don’t know how many stages of enlightenment there are in the Hindu religion but it’s certain you are already farther along than most of us back here in the States. By the way, Liberty IT has blocked your website. I’m sure it’s not personal but I find it interesting that we’re prevented from accessing blog content that is, in its theme, so un-corporate.
“… acknowledge the evil spirits and to honor both the good and the bad – this is the only way to have a balanced life …. from this exchange I took away a beautiful message. We cannot run away from the bad or the uncomfortable. We cannot pretend like its not there. We must embrace the struggle as it is necessary to enjoy and partake in the good.” Very lovely insight Jenna!
Just beautiful!
A niece is a gift whose worth cannot be measured except by the heart. Namaste represents the belief that there is a Divine spark within each of us that is located in the heart chakra.
‘The most important thing is for each of us to have some freedom in our heart, some stability in our heart, some peace in our heart. Only then will we be able to relieve the suffering around us.’ Thich Nhat Hanh
For the Wanderer…
I raised the curtain and looked at the moon,
clear and silvery; and I brushed
some of the unrest out of my mind.
I know all the theories of the moon.
There have been times when the symbols
of science have robbed me of some of its
mystery and charm.
But no one can explain the moon any
more than a grasshopper can explain me.
‘You must get rid of the idea that you are yet to realize the Self. You are the Self here and now.’ Ramana Maharishi
I’ve been thinking more about all the “stuff” I have, and realizing that there are so many other things I would love to do vs working for my stuff…. Thank you for sharing your journey as you go!
That’s awesome Robin! I find that starting by focusing on how I want to feel vs. what I want to accomplish can be very helpful – it’s definitely hard though 🙂 Good luck!
Beautifully written and wise thoughts to meditate on. Miss you and sending love!
JSB~ Your learning will bring much insight for those of us following you during this time.
I find once again that I can relate to the concept of good and evil as life will bring you both when you least expect it. One will need to find a constructive way to not only cherish the good but also digest and learn from the evil.
In my younger life I yearned for finding a way to be content with life but maybe I really was searching for peace and I didn’t know it. I know you will find success in your quest to quiet your mind, as you have described.
Thank you for sharing Barb – I believe we are all able to create peace within but it is not something most of us are taught. I think we spend most of our time looking elsewhere until we realize the key is from within. Sending my best!
You are right, this is not something we are taught.
Great reflection so early in the journey! Nice point about always striving towards a goal or trying to justify what we are doing today for a future benefit. The challenge of peace/happiness seems to be truly Living-In-The-Now and experiencing, appreciating, and enjoying who, where, and what we are today without the constant need for justification of a future self. After reading your post, I thought about personal and work goals I felt I needed to set for myself to show I am continuing to develop, and how much time I may have ‘wasted’ worrying or planning for the future only to realize I missed out on today.
I am so glad AJ! its a hard balance because there will always exist tension between living in the present and planning for the future. I think its super important to question ones intent, because the balance may look different depending on the day.
Remember to enjoy this trip with your heart as well as your head without overthinking everything. . Hopefully you are taking time to enjoy the all the journey and adventures along the way.
Thank you for your post and the reminder- now having processed those feelings I have been able to loose myself in the moment 🙂
My dear friend, Jenna! May this amazing trip fill you with love, serenity, peace…..you should feel so very proud of yourself for taking this journey. Let your mind be free….enjoy it. All my love ?
Starts and ends…goals upon goals…what’s the end game…I’m sitting in my reality. Thanks~